When I was younger, I would get upset at a drop of a hat. Some people called it a case of being a spoiled brat. If they knew what I was going through, they would disagree. I would get scared of things that were not there or that I believed were overwhelming. I have experienced these things in many ways.
I remember a time as a kid when we were on vacation wherein it came time to back to Guam and knowing that the abuse would continue as soon as I got there, I became deathly afraid to go back. I couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through, so I internalized it. I internalized it so bad that I became physically ill. I refused to go back to Guam. My stomach hurt so bad that I couldn’t stand it. And I cried uncontrollably. My parents worked it out with my grandparents for me to stay for a week more. It still took a few days after they left for me to feel somewhat normal again.
I remember the time I got into so much trouble that my stomach was torn up again. I began shaking and sweating. As my mother drove me around, I ducked down in the car. I don’t even remember why I ducked down. I just remember the incredible fear. When she drove me to the hospital, they found an ulcer. I was only 12 years old.
This is something I struggle with everyday. Even moving to Oregon kicked up my anxiety terribly. Now I have moved around my whole life with no trouble. For some reason, this move was extremely hard on me. I couldn’t drive, shop or even feel safe in my own home or church because I was overwhelmed. I used to use the term, “I’m not functioning” a lot. It has driven many people crazy that I say that. No one knows what it means. It simply means I’m overwhelmed and can no longer think straight.
This disorder was not found until the “break” I took in the hospital. They said at that time that the medication they gave me then was going to take care of it. Over time it did not at all. It wasn’t until I was put on Clonazepam that it was under control to some point. It stops the worries, fears and helps me to focus, which in turn I use to focus on God. This focus seems to have become my life source.
At this point I have run out of medication and this has quickly become a severe struggle lately. If you have been to psychiatrists, then you understand that you have to stay on them for them to work. And I simply can’t. Some people say to just make an appointment and get some. It’s not that easy my friends.
1. You need insurance just to see someone.
2. Once you get insurance, you call around to find a good one and even with the bad ones, there is a waiting list to get in.
3. Once an appointment to get in, it’s usually a month out at least.
4. Then, the doctor reviews you to make sure you really need them.
5. Then, the cost of psychiatric medications is too high to have.
I’m at a loss. Just trying to take it easy and stay focused. But the anxiety is building, I can feel it. I couldn’t even get in my bed to go to sleep because of it. I’m stuck sleeping on the couch again. If you have or do feel this way, just know that you are not alone.