The Survivals of Jewels

Learning to thrive through sharing my true stories, healing through God, healing through crafts, helping others, and helping others gain better health. Please note, names have been changed for protection.

Def Leppard is Helping Me Heal May 2, 2013

Filed under: Surviving the Different Abuse — The_Survivals_of_Jewels @ 8:00 am
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When I was 12 years old, I discovered Def Leppard. I began listening to Pyromania and thinking, “if only I could scream like that and feel better”. I never tried til recently at group therapy and man was it a relief. So, Def Leppard became a large part of my life. When Hysteria came out, there were tons of songs that hit the top ten and they consistently stayed on the MTV top 20 videos for several weeks. Song after song and video after video, they rose. The music was great, but the one song that stood out and meant the most to me was Gods of War. In college I wrote an essay explaining line by line of the song and what it meant to me, as that was the assignment. I discovered why the song meant so much. If you know me, you know ma or have read anything on the abuse I have been through, allow me to share the lyrics and try to view them from “the abused” point of view. (This is the lyrics without the repeated chorus lines)

Feelin’ like it’s all over
Feelin’ like there’s no love
Feelin’ like it’s not easy
Breathin’ life in the dust

On a countdown to zero
Take a ride on the nightmare machine
There ain’t gonna be heroes
There ain’t gonna be anythin’

Here it comes here comes the night
Here it comes hell in the night
Here it comes here comes the night
(When we all fall down)

When we walk into silence
When we shadow the sun
When we surrender to violence
Then the damage is done
(Put away that gun)

I don’t want to be there
I don’t wanna be anywhere

We’re fightin’ for the gods of war
But what the hell we fightin’ for
Yeah fightin’ with the gods of war

But I’m a rebel,
And I ain’t gonna fight no more!
No way!

Heavy!

Makes sense doesn’t it? Being “the abused” makes you constantly feel like giving up and ending everything, only to be stuck back in the thought of “things will get better, I won’t surrender by committing violence to myself ans stooping to his level.” Then I received the Mirror Ball 2 CD set and heard one of the last songs on disc two and discovered the perfect song to define me today. As you know I am determined to heal and no longer allow my past to define me. The song, Undefeated. These lyrics (again, cutting the repeated chorus) are a bit longer, but pay attention, Def Leppard gave me strength. And I am surrounding myself with as much strength as I can, God, people, family, and yes, music. Thank You Def Leppard!!!

Look in these eyes
These eyes don’t lie
And they say that if you don’t blink
Then you don’t die

Now feel this heart, it beats so tough
And if you ever gonna doubt my faith
Then I’ll call your bluff
‘Cause you ain’t that tough

The lies in your eyes can’t defeat me
I ain’t ever going down
I was down on my knees completely
And you will never take my crown

But I rise from my feet
You can’t beat me
Oh, and that’s why I gotta stay
And that’s why I gotta say

I’m undefeated
And standing tall
I don’t want to be the loser
When the winner takes it all

I’m undefeated
I got this scar
I will wash this blood away
Live to fight another day

I feel your pain, I hear your words
But there ain’t nothing
You can say to me
I ain’t already heard

These cuts run deep
Close to the bone
But I gotta keep getting up
‘Cause I been down so long
So let’s get it on

I walk through the fire
With the flames on my skin
I wanna be the last man standing
I’ll never surrender, I’ll never give in
I just got to win

It’s stand or fall
You can laugh and walk around me
With my back against the wall

I’m undefeated
I got the prize
If you got the will to win
You got to take it on the chin

 

The pictures above are a portion of my Lep collection. From original posters and prints from the mid 80’s, to the autographs, pics and personal photos of certain members of the band. Yep, during the Adrenalize tour, I met two members. All are original.

I survived abuse and you can too. Please know that you are not alone!!!

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Possible Victim Answer April 14, 2013

Filed under: Surviving the Different Abuse — The_Survivals_of_Jewels @ 8:00 am
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I’ve been really trying to analyze why I consistently become a target for abuse. Upon my online search for why women are targets, I found a ton of explanations. All of which seem to apply to me.

One article I read, written by a former abusive man, said that a gentle, kind woman is usually a selfless woman. Meaning she is willing to do anything to make a relationship work. Willing to give her entire self to one man. As most men find this attractive, abusive men see this as an ability to “mold”. He feels he can mold her into anything he likes. This becomes mental and emotional abuse that leads to different forms of physical and sexual abuse as time goes on. In analyzing myself, I found that every time I get involved in a relationship, I tend to forget about everyone and everything else and concentrate on the relationship. I never realized this til recently. In fact, the reasons mainly why I have kept far away from family was because of men. They know that my family influences me and pull me away. I become engrossed in them and never even realize that I forget them. So, I guess selfless has defined me.

Another I read spoke of low self-esteem. This one hits home big time. We already know from other articles I have written involving the abuse I have been through, that most of my childhood was engrossed by belittling me and making me feel as though I was fat, nothing, and never going to amount to anything. I am finally aware that this abuse has affected my entire look on life. Because I feel like “nothing”, the moment anyone shows any attraction to me, I cling to them. I feel as though I need them to survive. I become dependent on them. They may not be what I had in mind for a “perfect man”, but I settle for them just because they like me. I feel as though I will never do any better and I should take it while I can because the chance for true love may never come around again. I heard from everyone that the “perfect man” doesn’t exist and true love comes around once in a lifetime and when I find it to hold on tight and never let go. This is how I had believed. Someone loves me, he may not be perfect, but he’s mine, and this must be love, so don’t give up. Man, this sounds like a big target to me. After all, my idea of a perfect man is not much at all.

The Perfect Man = gentle, patient, someone who holds me when I cry, someone who will listen and understand me, someone who will love me wholly and truly and never be afraid to show it til the day I die.

Hmm….actually, this is not that bad. Shouldn’t anyone want this? I’m not looking for perfect looks, or a man that makes a lot of money. I only want true love. True love means not ever having a bone in your body to want to hurt someone in any way. That is perfection to me.

So, what have I learned? Yes, be kind and gentle, but be firm and stay safe. Do everything I can to raise my self-esteem and break the chain of abuse from my childhood that continues to affect me to this day. Become independent and never again dependent, and let people know that. And wait for my idea of the perfect man. I know many people who are married to this type of man, so I know he exists. I have a lot of learning and self-training to go through to achieve this. But, I think it will be worth it for the RIGHT relationship to come along.

 

Healing…My Eyes Are On Heaven March 8, 2013

I have chosen many paths to heal. It seems to be my nature to travel many paths at once. But, I believe this is the most important path to healing of all. I have found the greatest comfort in God. I had to come to the realization that I don’t actually need anyone but Him. In a sense, I have become His bride depending solely on Him and His guidance. Over the years, I’ve had times wherein I felt I was following His lead. After examining everything, I discovered I was following other’s ideas of how they were guided by Him. It was only after I fully came to Him in 2011 that I discovered what and who He actually is.

He is a comforter. A God that holds me when I cry. Knowing that everything will get better and be alright in the hard times is great comfort. Knowing that when I am in great pain, that it will end is how He comforts as well.

He is a provider. Every time I think I’m not going to make it whether financially, physically or mentally, He provides a way. He shows me the path to take to bring me out of the darkness and somehow provides everything I need.

He is a teacher. He has taught me so many things. He, through great trials, taught me to not fear anyone. No one can harm me in any way if I don’t allow them to. But the greatest thing He has taught me is to love. Everyone deserves love no matter what in some way. Someone I knew used to say, “you have to earn my respect”. This defeats the purpose of Jesus, I believe. He taught us to love everyone, which in turn is giving respect with no expectation for return. Which leads me to the next.

He is a lover. Plain and simple His love never fails. Every time I mess up, He reminds me that He still loves me no matter what.

He is a miracle worker. There are many times where I have no explanation how things happened. When our cupboards were empty, He prompted people to leave food on our doorstep. When I was in so much pain I wanted to die, He suddenly healed me. When I was dead, literally, he brought me back to life. He amazes me everyday with every miracle great or small.

It is for all these reasons that I believe the greatest way to heal completely is give everything to Him. Every emotion, feeling, hurt, pain, memory, disease and burden is handed to the feet of Jesus. If I were to die today, I am confident that heaven is my home. And with heaven at the forefront of my mind, healing comes naturally. Yes, I have my down times as we all do. But, unlike others, I quickly snap out of it and focus back on Him. That changes my mood and outlook fast. Sometimes, it takes seconds, sometimes hours, but it does go away. Knowing that heaven is the goal and loving Him is the greatest love of all boggles my mind and soul.

And, for this reason, the greatest healing, is knowing that in heaven all pain and loss will be gone. So I keep my eyes on heaven.

 

Healing Through Independence (Finding a Way, No Matter What it Takes) March 6, 2013

Filed under: Surviving Mental Health,Surviving the Different Abuse — The_Survivals_of_Jewels @ 8:00 am
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Over the years, I have spent various times between relationships where I was single, but never living on my own. I was 36 before I was taking care of myself wholly. I don’t know if it’s fear of being alone or fear of not being able to financially support myself and son. It was probably both. I have been made to feel, my whole life, that I won’t amount to anything. I’ve been put down in more ways than can be counted. So, the only way to become something, is to prove everyone wrong.

This last time I escaped a bad relationship was the hardest. I had decided to move out and was afraid at the same time as I had nowhere to go. I had to figure out how to find a place on my own and how to set and make the bills. Despite my thought that it could not be done, I pulled through. I found a place at the last minute and worked my tail off getting extra hours at work to make the bills. We didn’t have much and our cupboards were empty a lot of the time, but we were free and independent. It was just me supporting my son and I. I was making my own rules, decorating the way I wanted to and buying what I want when I want/can. It was very empowering. Yes, I was lonely at times, but over time, that disappeared. I became happy just being me.

This empowerment has given me the power to heal. I have the time and ability now to analyze every thought and feeling. I always ask myself why I feel or think something. Then when I get down, I remind myself that I did it! I conquered my fears and everything everyone ever said about me. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it has been very tough at times, but I’ve always pulled through.

I have found many ways of making money just to make ends meet and save for a better tomorrow at the same time. I’ve babysit, coupon clipped, double coupon shopped, pulled 80 hour work weeks, sold crafts, sold stuff on ebay and many more ways. There is always a way. Some have worked out and some haven’t but when one ends, another starts up.

There are two songs from not too many years ago that say it all when combined. Both from Destiny’s Child, Survivor and Independent Women. Knowing that you did it, you made it out and safe and thrive everyday on your own is a great healing. If you haven’t done it yet, get out, be yourself and take care of yourself no matter what it takes. You are not alone. Us freedom fighters do exist. Message me if you need, I will help you through. You can do it too!

 

Haunted by Him February 14, 2013

Filed under: Surviving the Different Abuse — The_Survivals_of_Jewels @ 4:45 pm
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Why is it that certain abusive men do not give up and think they can win you back when you want nothing to do with them. They know what they did to you. What is wrong with them. Well, in this case, I have gone back to him before, so maybe he is thinking he can try again. I’m not going to be duped again.

The other day I received an email from Steve talking about his email listing service. I did not respond. Yesterday he tried friending me on facebook. I simply replied that I do not friend people that were hateful people and blocked him. In order to do that though, I had to go to his profile. On the front page, as the cover photo, you can’t miss it, is a picture of my son as a kid. I reported him as harassment, but facebook found it invalid. It’s interesting how he tries. Abusive men are very sneaky when it comes to harassing you. Then, today I was woken to a call from a credit collector asking to get in touch with him. They said he listed me as a reference. Why would he do that? To harass me again. They asked if they could leave a message. I said you can try but it will never get to him. I was abused by him and have no contact with him. They apologized and hung up. Seriously Steve…why?

Turns out the haunting comes in waves too. Hopefully this will die out. But watch, the next one will come along.

 

Stupid Dreams! (PTSD) February 1, 2013

Filed under: Surviving the Different Abuse — The_Survivals_of_Jewels @ 2:46 am
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It took several hours for the memory to fade. Which in turn caused the dreams to affect my day as it did my sleep yet again. I again had one continuous dream that continued even after waking up in fear and falling back to sleep. The only memory I have of it now is that it was of Matt and was horrible. These are the dreams that I hate picking up where they left off when I go back to sleep. I ended up giving up on sleep again and awoke after 4 hours. It’s frustrating. In my awake time, I no longer fear any of them. I just don’t seem to let it affect me. But in sleep time, they attack. Why is this? Why must I relive things and create more scenarios while sleeping? Maybe it’s a clear reminder to never go back. Maybe it’s a hint as to how I could become a repeat victim. I keep hoping to learn something from them. And the only thing I learn is that I don’t fear them. I know they can no longer hurt me if I don’t allow them to. So, maybe it’s me I’m afraid of. Hmmm

If you have any ideas, let me know. I’m continuing to experience the dreams even after acknowledging them. If you are experiencing the same, I hope these words encourage you. Please know that you are not alone.

 

Seeing Them Everywhere January 27, 2013

Filed under: Surviving the Different Abuse — The_Survivals_of_Jewels @ 3:40 pm
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I find it interesting that the bad times (memories/feelings) come and go so fast. I seem to be haunted by every man that abused me. Did you ever have one of those days that you kept seeing your abuser on faces of other people? Everywhere I go today, I think I’m seeing one of them. I look a little closer, and its not them. Then I think it would be impossible to randomly see them. Then I turn my head and think I’m seeing a different one. Flashes of memories of the abuse hit me like waves every time I think I see one. I’m not sure I will ever heal from all the pain. But how does one stop remembering? Or are we supposed to remember for a reason?

If you experience this, know that you are not alone. I would love to hear from you as I feel I am alone in this all the time.