I’ve been really trying to analyze why I consistently become a target for abuse. Upon my online search for why women are targets, I found a ton of explanations. All of which seem to apply to me.
One article I read, written by a former abusive man, said that a gentle, kind woman is usually a selfless woman. Meaning she is willing to do anything to make a relationship work. Willing to give her entire self to one man. As most men find this attractive, abusive men see this as an ability to “mold”. He feels he can mold her into anything he likes. This becomes mental and emotional abuse that leads to different forms of physical and sexual abuse as time goes on. In analyzing myself, I found that every time I get involved in a relationship, I tend to forget about everyone and everything else and concentrate on the relationship. I never realized this til recently. In fact, the reasons mainly why I have kept far away from family was because of men. They know that my family influences me and pull me away. I become engrossed in them and never even realize that I forget them. So, I guess selfless has defined me.
Another I read spoke of low self-esteem. This one hits home big time. We already know from other articles I have written involving the abuse I have been through, that most of my childhood was engrossed by belittling me and making me feel as though I was fat, nothing, and never going to amount to anything. I am finally aware that this abuse has affected my entire look on life. Because I feel like “nothing”, the moment anyone shows any attraction to me, I cling to them. I feel as though I need them to survive. I become dependent on them. They may not be what I had in mind for a “perfect man”, but I settle for them just because they like me. I feel as though I will never do any better and I should take it while I can because the chance for true love may never come around again. I heard from everyone that the “perfect man” doesn’t exist and true love comes around once in a lifetime and when I find it to hold on tight and never let go. This is how I had believed. Someone loves me, he may not be perfect, but he’s mine, and this must be love, so don’t give up. Man, this sounds like a big target to me. After all, my idea of a perfect man is not much at all.
The Perfect Man = gentle, patient, someone who holds me when I cry, someone who will listen and understand me, someone who will love me wholly and truly and never be afraid to show it til the day I die.
Hmm….actually, this is not that bad. Shouldn’t anyone want this? I’m not looking for perfect looks, or a man that makes a lot of money. I only want true love. True love means not ever having a bone in your body to want to hurt someone in any way. That is perfection to me.
So, what have I learned? Yes, be kind and gentle, but be firm and stay safe. Do everything I can to raise my self-esteem and break the chain of abuse from my childhood that continues to affect me to this day. Become independent and never again dependent, and let people know that. And wait for my idea of the perfect man. I know many people who are married to this type of man, so I know he exists. I have a lot of learning and self-training to go through to achieve this. But, I think it will be worth it for the RIGHT relationship to come along.